Ughh...

Last weekend, I got the chance to go to a babyshower for a girl I new and haven't seen for 10 years. I was really nervous about going for a lot of reasons but mostly b/c 10 years is a long time and people change. It ended up being a very nice shower and she was happy to see me. She looked so great and seemed to be doing well. The shower was held at the church my dad preached at for 7 years. When we moved, I had just turned 16, 3 days before. Needless to say, I was not happy about it. I have been back a few times over the years but for some reason, this particular trip was the hardest. There were a few other people there that I got to see and talk with. We caught up on family news and what we have been doing which is always nice. After the shower officially started, I realized that I felt so out of place. We had to go around the room and talk about how we knew the mom-to-be. Everyone there was family or close friends. She and I were "close friends" at one point. I know better than anyone that you can "never go back" but the shower really brought that home for me. I moved away and life continued on. As it should. But then I couldn't help but wonder, was it just as hard for them as it was for me? Was I a "good enough" friend that they missed me as much as I missed them? Why do people lose touch? And then, why do we feel the need to go back and think it's going to be ok?

On my way home, all the feelings I had 10 years ago as I was leaving Louisville for the final time, with my room packed up and my friends in the rearview mirror, the feelings came back. I felt like I was 16 all over again. It was so overwhelming. How does the heart not litterally break and how do you get over it? You finally get to the point where you are not bitter and 10 years of healing are gone in one day. At least it feels that way. Thankfully, along the way, God put strong, couragous people in my life to help me realize that life does not stop at a stand still so you can stay in your "happy place". It's ok to visit, I guess, but is it ok to avoid something just to keep from getting hurt. Isn't getting hurt part of what makes us grow? Personally, spiritually, even professionally. If that's the case then I should be fully grown with no more lessons to learn! Ha!

Anyway, I just felt the need to talk about it. Whatever. It is what it is.